The maid of honor just puked.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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