You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
