I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
