In the future we'll all be gay
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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