It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize