I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
