i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
