When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
