She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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