alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Are my feet made of real feet?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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