people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
