Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
