I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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