Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
