You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
