Are we in a gay sports bar?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
