God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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