she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
