His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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