im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
