dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I am naked and annoyed.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
