miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
