My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
