So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
