I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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