Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
