You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
