No stitches, just platelets and will power
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
