I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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