And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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