The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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