Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
