I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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