one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
