there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
