I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
