Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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