Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
