I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
