Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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