I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
