Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
All I want is dick and wine.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
