glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
