I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
