I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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