I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
