Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
