Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
