i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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