I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
