I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
