My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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