Don't EVER smell your tampon
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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