i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
