I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
