You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
