either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
handjob tips. give me some.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
