Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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